Into the Ocean

Sometimes we hurt the people we love the most, because we don't know how to express our feelings, how to show them how we feel without hurting them. And when we start freaking, it just makes it even worse.
I think managing feelings is something we go on learning and learning. I thought I had learned how to. But it seems like I don't. So, in other words, I'm freaking. They are not bad feelings, no, not at all. On the contrary, they are wonderful feelings, but they are too strong and I am not used to have them. I guess this is the first time I feel this way.

So, I am thinking: " I need to stop freaking."
I don't know where all this freaking is coming from, but wherever it is coming from, I am going to stop it. I think I am NEEDING to dive into the ocean, for a freezing swim. I guess the freezing water will refresh my spirit and take away all this creepy freaking.

My bike has a flat tire. I've gotta get it fixed soon. I am missing my long bike rides, when I had the time to think and clear my thoughts and feelings. Nothing is like that. Nothing is so heavenly like feeling the ocean on your face, the smell of the grass on the bike path I used to take.... I am needing it. I think by this time of the year, the trees are not dropping spikes anymore. It's time to come back to the old path to peace.

The ocean is, for me, a balsam, a psychologist, a mind-clearer. It's peace. It always help me to put things in order inside my mind.

I'm listening to "Rain". I remember I used to go out in the middle of pouring rain when I was 14, just to feel the water washing my heart, my body, my soul. It felt good and purified. I would get inside soaked wet, but with a renewed heart.

Yeah, I think it's time now for me to get out of bed, put my bikini on, sunscreen on my face, a jacket, my iPod and drive to the ocean and get my soul and body soaked wet, as I used to do. I think I will run on Laguna Beach today, instead of Huntington. I wanna see and feel the place where I will be joined together with the reason of all my new smiles, freakings, laughs and happiness.

The most awesome story I've heard on the radio!

Ok, so here I am driving back from the gym, all sweaty, dirty, tired and stinky (by the way, I still am, but I just HAAAAAD to write this story down, I couldn't wait until after the shower! Can you smell it? LOL). As usual, I was listening to Star 98.7, and they have this new show called "Flirting at 9:30" (AM). So, people call and they ask someone they secretly admire to go out with them on a date. If the person says yes, they get a nice dinner paid by the radio. If the other person says no, the caller gets 100 bucks, as a consolation prize.
Today the guy that called was Kevin, from Big Bear. He was friends with this girl, Treasure, for looong time, and never had the courage to make a move. Ok, so the guys at the radio call Treasure and put her on the line, and she doesn't know what is going on. They tell her she has a secret admirer and she goes: " Oh, no, the chick at Taco Bell! I already told her no!" Hahhahaha
And the guys at the radio say: "No, Treasure, it's not the chick at Taco Bell! It's a friend of yours, a person very close to you. We'll give you a hint: he builds puzzles and is shorter than you. Do you know who he is?"
She goes: " Hmmmm....no... everybody is shorter than me - I'm 6 feet tall!"
The radio guy goes: " But think: he is a very good friend of yours. Who is your best friend?"
She goes: " Hmmm.... Kevin, but I think he is gay"
The radio guys go: " So, Treasure, he is your secret admirer and he wants to take the relationship to the next step! He wants to take you to dinner! And, if you say so, we'll pay you a nice dinner; if you say no, we'll give him 100 bucks so he doesn't feel bad that you thought he was gay! Do you want to take it to the next level?"
And she goes: "Yes! I always wanted to go out with him and I love him to death, he is perfect and we do everything together, we get along wonderfully.... because of that, I thought he was gay!"
And then they told Kevin her answer and he goes: "She thought I was gay????"
But he is totally happy with her accepting his flirting. And he declares himself to her, how much he loved her for all this time and never had the courage to tell her.
And then he goes...." Would you marry me, Treasure?"
And then she goes: " OMG! (Silence).... Yes, Kevin! I have always wanted to marry you!"
And he goes: " I'm going to go down on my knees and ask you then!"
And the guys at the radio start making noise and I started screaming in the car - u-huuuuuuuu!
And she goes: " Where are you, Kevin?"
He goes: " I'm at Starbucks ( I think he said the one at the mountain). And you?"
She goes: " I'm at Starbucks in the city"
He goes: " Stay there - I'm going there right now!"
And when the guy at the radio asked him : " WTF, man?" (of course, he didn't use "wtf", but anyways....), he told him they knew each other for sooooo long and he always loved her and Lisa Fox (the girl at the radio): "And they held this feeling for each other for so long, while they both were thinking the same!"
And the guy at the radio goes: " Hey, this show is supposed to take people to a date! It's crazy! The guy calls to take her to a date and asks her to marry him????? And she says yes??????? That's odd!!!" LOL

Everybody laughs. And so do I, in my car, among little screams of excitement.
I love these crazy stories!!!! =))

Ain't it cute? =)

The machinist - part 1

The new man arrived to the town. Mid fall, the wind was blowing smooth and cold. It was a wind that didn't hurt your skin but cut your soul. It was the preface of something that was about to happen. That kind of thing that makes us shiver when we are not cold.
The night had already fallen. The rested his suitcase on the ground of the train station. The last train had already left. In his jacket, just a tag: Machinist. He was the machinist.
Small town. Perfect. The moon had been shining the whole week,but not on that night. No moon, no stars. Only that wind, creeking.
He looked around. The dog that was coming in his direction desiring for food turned around and ran.
No sound. He started walking towards the town center. The only thing open was a small and old motel. He got in there and the receptionist, asked him a few questions. No answer. The man, then, just told him to pay for the night in advance and gave him the keys, as he got the money.
The man went to his room. Poorly looking, he dropped his suitcase. It opened as it fell on the ground. Not much. He put it back on the bed and got something red from the inside. Fast, he put it into his mouth and cleaned his hand on his coat.
A thin rain started to fall. Cold rain. He kept on looking at it. Cold. Very cold. "The woods", he thought. And went out in the rain.

Keep in track

keep in track, keep in track,
says the machinist
keep in track, keep in track
don't let it fall
don't get lost
don't let them come
don't mess it up
keep in track
i'm coming
i'm passing
over you, over the trails, over the trains
keep in track
i'm going over the abyss
i'm going over the mud
i'm going through the dark

follow me, follow me
don't let it catch you
don't fall
keep in track
follow my tracks
if you don't pay attention
it will run over you
it'll swallow you
it'll get you in pieces
keep in track
follow me
listen to my voice

i'm the one that operates the machine
the one that keeps the train running
keep in track!
i have my eyes over you
i'm watching you
don't dance near the trees
don't talk too loud near the bushes
don't go near the madman's house
cause he can come out

run away
but keep in track
i'm passing by
you can jump in and go with me
or stay and face the night
i will help you
and protect you
because i'm the machinist man
the one that conducts the train

keep in track!

Fearless

"Our worst enemy lies within ourselves". "People are like plants; they need space to grow and live in harmony".

I saw those lines in a movie last weekend. I think that is so true - and I'm thinking about the one about the enemy. The worst enemy of one is one's self. I can tell it by myself. After so many years, I finally come to realize that this is a work of persistence, a battle that has no end: my own enemy is awake inside of me, just waiting for the moment to go out again. He doesn't sleep or rest or stops. He is always awake and ready. So that is why I need to be more awaken than him and more and more vigilant, if I want to defeat it and change myself. Changes are hard. You've gotta really want them, for they just come with a lot of effort. It hurts me when I am not strong enough and I allow myself to be less than I can be. In the ethics, moral values and non-virtues aspects.
Yeah. I failed last week. My impatience and low tolerance took over me in some moments. That is what I am here for: growth. And I think that, admitting it publicly, the shame should fall over me and make me more vigilant of myself. It's easier to keep on track when you have eyes over you, analysing and measuring you. Yeah, judges of the world, your eyes are the sword that will help me to correct myself and grow. For that, I thank thee.
Fails can be small as ants or huge as mountains. While I think of them as ants, they will have room to grow and become mountains. So I'd rather look at them as I was facing scary giants and so I don't give them any room to grow. I want to fight them and defeat them as the climber faces the mountain and defeats it, by getting to the top. The top is the virtue.
Bushido is the way of the warrior. A warrior has to be strong and virtuous. He has to fight against himself first and defeat his faults. Samurai. I think it's not a legend, I think it's a way of living.

Change is hard. All changes don't happen without a lot of persistence, effort, suffering, meditation over your mistakes and sincere will. Strength of character can be build. Compassion can be build. Forgiveness can be build. Compreehension can be build. It's just necessary strong will.

I want to think of an oak, when I think about strength of character. I want to think of the sword that will cut what lies inside.

Oh, how many times I wished that the sword could cut it easily!!!! But the change will have to come from the inside and not the outside. It's a labor work. Have no fear. At least, I will try to.

Affffffff.

My Way

I am listening to "My Way", by Frank Sinatra. How it touches me! I always remember that old man, in that documentary, remembering his life... He was old and had nothing anymore, other than his memories. And he sang this song with so much heart and pain and feelings and emotions.... while he was singing it, he had tears coming down on his faces.... I don't remember the reason, but he was alone and lonely. And he had all those memories of the good times as his company, every day, every single day.... Dio mio, how it touched my heart!!!!!
I'd better change to another song.... I'm in a coffee shop and I don't want to start tearing up here....