Deceptions

I am so naive!

I hate when I realize I'm in the middle of a chess game. Not nice. Not nice at all. Not good to know that you're in a game, a huge game, and you didn't know that. It feels like being Truman in "The Truman Show". I feel stupid.

Things are not what they seem like. My intuition is not working that well, it seems. People hide themselves. People say " I wanna meet someone real, someone that doesn't play games" and they themselves only play games.

Pissed? Yes, ma'am, I am. I feel like turning.... for good. Few people will know what I mean by that. Thank God. You never know what goes on in people's mind.

But my madness will be limited to this post. I will keep on with my smile in my clown's face. That saddest thing on Earth, just made to make people laugh of their weaknesses, of their pathetic lives. It's easy to laugh of yourself when you're laughing at someone else's.

I hate believing in something and discovering I was so totally wrong. I am so totally wrong, so surrended by the same types, the same conversations, the same bla-bla-bla.....!!!! Nothing new, nothing real, nothing consistent! Nothing!

All I see around me is a bunch of faces posing nice and happy and inside full of mold.
I hate what I see.
I hate feeling in the middle of a game.

I may be unfair with my words. That is why I will keep them here. Time will allow me to think over them. If I am right, there is nothing I can do, but do my part well. If I am surrounded by lies and masks, I shall not wear masks. I shall be the one with the clean face. Even though this face may be full of a clown's make up, made up to cover the sadness people may bring. But they will never know. Only me . Only the clown.

If I could, I would dissolve myself in my words, like the waves foam dissolves when the sea touches the sand. I wish I was that foam. I wish I could just evaporate sometimes. I wish I could be over that. I wish I could be a wolf.

If I could, I would write a beautiful poem and, like Alice in Wonderland, I would run through them and hide behind them. And no one would never find me.

I shape my body, but my spirit is still the same. I feel it. No matter the label, the essence is the same. Maybe that is what hurts. I wish it wasn't this way. I wish .... maybe if I really fit in this game....but I just don't. And then the saddest happiest face on earth tries to find peace in a lifetime death. Oh,well.... fuck it.

Sometimes you have a flame inside of you and you can't control it. U try and try and try. But sometimes it gets out of control. And you burn yourself inside, so badly...

People are the same. Wherever you go. Whatever you do.
I know. It's part of the wisdom of life knowing how not to be hurt by them.

"Nature has a funny way of bending what does not break...." - Jewel

Yeah. I've bent my knees. I've stood up. And I've bent again. And again. And again. But I'm always standing up. oh, hell....i must be really stupid. But you don't change the shape of a branch unless you break it. You may make it bend, but you don't change its essence. So, you need to break it. And, in the end, you'll see the sticks are still the branch and the essence is still the same. It doesn't matter. You may make me bend, you may break me... but I will still be the same. My essence will be the same. Unless I decide to change. Then, pls, burn me and let me re born again.